You Are Not Allowed to Ignore Me

You sparked a shiver in my heart that demanded to be felt

 

You infected her with your kind words,

Your contagious laugh,

Your inimitable view of the world

 

She was entranced

So she timed her beat to syncopate up with yours.

 

And relentlessly she begged me, so I poured time and affection into you

As if you were a flower, fighting for the sun

 

I wanted to experience your beauty

I wanted to inspire your beauty

I wanted to live up to your beauty

 

So no, you are not allowed to ignore me

Now that you are in full, astonishing bloom

 

You are not allowed to ignore me

Now that I have withered from the drought of pouring all my love into you

 

You are not allowed to ignore me

After my heart had to relearn to beat at her own pace

 

You are not allowed to ignore me

When you made it impossible for me to notice anything but you.

 

s.f.b

Today I Will Start to Heal

Today, I will start to heal.

Today, I will turn my face towards the sun and embrace its warmth, bright and burning with passion

Today, I will still think of you, your soft lips and your wicked arms

That entangled me, holding me hostage in your care

 

But today, I will not cry.

I will not succumb to the wretched jolts in my stomach, those that climax into sobs

I will not dream of your body in pinky-white hues

 

No.

Today, I will start to heal.

Today, I will think of you in simple black and white

Just as you were my everything and nothing all at once

Today, I will honor the wretched jolts in my stomach, those that climaxed into sobs

The sobs that you tempted

Today, I will remember the times I set myself on fire just so you could feel warm

Or the times I contorted myself into knots so that I could fit into your pocket,

Diminishing my magnitude to be at your slight, beautiful size.

 

Today, I will remember the darkness that poisoned my spirit

That dark cloud of smoke you drove into my being, greedily engulfing and shielding my light

 

Today, I will start to heal.

Today, I am generating my own warmth.

Today, I am the sun. I am whole and I am bright and I am burning with passion.
Today, I am the center of my own universe.

 

Tomorrow, I will continue to heal.

Pretty Face (and so much more)

“Wow, you have such a pretty face!”

Pretty freckles, pretty smile, pretty hair

But apparently, on me, “pretty” only applies from the neck up

Because I have curves:

I have breasts, I have hips, I have thighs…

I have a stomach.

And to your eyes, that makes me damaged

An outlier in society, a charity case

The “fat” girl.

 

My weight has defined and contorted my character into forms I never chose.

Suddenly I’m expected to be the comedic relief

I’m expected to be the nice girl who’s always there for everyone else

I’m the exceptional friend who’s loyal and true

Because god-forbid I’m fat AND a bitch

 

Oh no, it’s as if I must EARN the presence of skinny people in my life

By being the token fat friend and living up to the itty-bitty size-2 box they try to force me into.

 

And when we hang out,

I can watch lustily as they gulf down cookies and sweets without a care

But when I want a treat, it’s always challenged

“Are you really going to eat that?”

 

Are YOU really going to eat that?

Since when did my eating habits become the concern of anyone else but me?

 

It’s because in our society, taking up more space only earns you a tighter set of expectations

Constricting you, strangling you, until you’re less than what you are, less than what you can be.

 

Eventually, your potential is quelled and your fire extinguished

When you start believing that the double digit number printed on the tag of your jeans is a stronger indicator of who you are, of what you stand for, than the thoughts blooming in your mind and the words escaping from your lips.

Losing weight, essentially working to diminish the rare amount of you on this earth, becomes your only goal.

 

Get good grades. Watch my calories. Find a decent job. Get to a gym 5 times a week. Start a family. And what if my children end up looking like me?

 

When you’re fat, you’re expected to put the rest of your life on the backburner. But I’m not about that life. I’m over it.

 

I’m a size 14. Extra Large. Plus size.

And you know what? You’re welcome.

It only means that there is that much more of me to go around

There is an extra amount of love in my heart

And a surplus of the character I choose for myself

A greater capacity for the knowledge I’m thirsting for

And a whole lot more woman, if ya know what I mean.

 

I may be large, but I’m pretty. Head to toe, and everything in between. Just as uniquely pretty as any girl thinner than me or any girl larger. My stretch marks and round stomach might not be everyone’s image of beauty, just as blonde hair or a flat chest aren’t universally ideal.

 

We’re human. We come in different shapes, sizes, colors. Each and every one of us is genetically different, an exclusive fingerprint on this earth. How dare we challenge a person’s physical appearance and accuse them of not being pretty, solely because of the number printed on a tag?

 

We are all beautiful, even me.

Forgetting

Sometimes I forget why I am in love with him. 

 

The distance blurs my memory

Of the sleepless nights we shared

And the “I love you”s that swelled with meaning

And the times his voice melted my pain away.

 

It selfishly steals away the rare times

I felt beautiful.

He made me feel worthwhile

And opened me up to feeling things

 

But my memory is stronger than our circumstance

Our hearts beat louder than the ticking clock

And I remember why

I

Am

In

Love

With

Him. 

Once

Have we once met?

I just can’t remember

I’ve burned our shattered memories

And lent them to the quiet heat of embers

But a profound yet tender scar still remains

And I struggle so hard to remember your name

Is this really the place where you once claimed your love?

I’m trying so hard to conjure it up

All the frenzied debris of secrets we shared

Implode in my mind; did you really once care?

 

Oh no, please stop, the wound’s open again

I’m recalling those honest messages we’d sent

But honest, this word, does it still hold its truth

When I no longer am worth anything to you?

How lovely it must be to so simply forget

When the lies escaped from your own throat and the malice flew from your own head

Were you always this wicked? Were you always this cruel?

I once so ardently believed I meant something to you

 

But today is today, and the past is the past

I can accept you have chosen your individual path

So I stitch myself up, as I’ve done time and again

And return to forgetting that you were once ever my friend.

Some Nights

Image

Some nights

It hurts that you’re not here.

So much, so that I invent delusions of your presence

To ease my aching heart.

And I feel the warm imprint of your skin

All fathomed by my wandering mind

And I hear the sweet drawl of your voice

Whispering into my ear, tickling my senses

And for a blissful moment-

Time pauses. The rest of the world takes in a harmonious breath

So that I may believe that you are here

With me.

But then the moment fades

The world exhales and I am left to catch myself

With only the sheets to caress my body

And you are not here.

And you were never here.

Some nights it hurts

Every night it hurts…

– s.f.b