You Are Not Allowed to Ignore Me

You sparked a shiver in my heart that demanded to be felt

 

You infected her with your kind words,

Your contagious laugh,

Your inimitable view of the world

 

She was entranced

So she timed her beat to syncopate up with yours.

 

And relentlessly she begged me, so I poured time and affection into you

As if you were a flower, fighting for the sun

 

I wanted to experience your beauty

I wanted to inspire your beauty

I wanted to live up to your beauty

 

So no, you are not allowed to ignore me

Now that you are in full, astonishing bloom

 

You are not allowed to ignore me

Now that I have withered from the drought of pouring all my love into you

 

You are not allowed to ignore me

After my heart had to relearn to beat at her own pace

 

You are not allowed to ignore me

When you made it impossible for me to notice anything but you.

 

s.f.b

Today I Will Start to Heal

Today, I will start to heal.

Today, I will turn my face towards the sun and embrace its warmth, bright and burning with passion

Today, I will still think of you, your soft lips and your wicked arms

That entangled me, holding me hostage in your care

 

But today, I will not cry.

I will not succumb to the wretched jolts in my stomach, those that climax into sobs

I will not dream of your body in pinky-white hues

 

No.

Today, I will start to heal.

Today, I will think of you in simple black and white

Just as you were my everything and nothing all at once

Today, I will honor the wretched jolts in my stomach, those that climaxed into sobs

The sobs that you tempted

Today, I will remember the times I set myself on fire just so you could feel warm

Or the times I contorted myself into knots so that I could fit into your pocket,

Diminishing my magnitude to be at your slight, beautiful size.

 

Today, I will remember the darkness that poisoned my spirit

That dark cloud of smoke you drove into my being, greedily engulfing and shielding my light

 

Today, I will start to heal.

Today, I am generating my own warmth.

Today, I am the sun. I am whole and I am bright and I am burning with passion.
Today, I am the center of my own universe.

 

Tomorrow, I will continue to heal.

Forgetting

Sometimes I forget why I am in love with him. 

 

The distance blurs my memory

Of the sleepless nights we shared

And the “I love you”s that swelled with meaning

And the times his voice melted my pain away.

 

It selfishly steals away the rare times

I felt beautiful.

He made me feel worthwhile

And opened me up to feeling things

 

But my memory is stronger than our circumstance

Our hearts beat louder than the ticking clock

And I remember why

I

Am

In

Love

With

Him. 

Once

Have we once met?

I just can’t remember

I’ve burned our shattered memories

And lent them to the quiet heat of embers

But a profound yet tender scar still remains

And I struggle so hard to remember your name

Is this really the place where you once claimed your love?

I’m trying so hard to conjure it up

All the frenzied debris of secrets we shared

Implode in my mind; did you really once care?

 

Oh no, please stop, the wound’s open again

I’m recalling those honest messages we’d sent

But honest, this word, does it still hold its truth

When I no longer am worth anything to you?

How lovely it must be to so simply forget

When the lies escaped from your own throat and the malice flew from your own head

Were you always this wicked? Were you always this cruel?

I once so ardently believed I meant something to you

 

But today is today, and the past is the past

I can accept you have chosen your individual path

So I stitch myself up, as I’ve done time and again

And return to forgetting that you were once ever my friend.

Some Nights

Image

Some nights

It hurts that you’re not here.

So much, so that I invent delusions of your presence

To ease my aching heart.

And I feel the warm imprint of your skin

All fathomed by my wandering mind

And I hear the sweet drawl of your voice

Whispering into my ear, tickling my senses

And for a blissful moment-

Time pauses. The rest of the world takes in a harmonious breath

So that I may believe that you are here

With me.

But then the moment fades

The world exhales and I am left to catch myself

With only the sheets to caress my body

And you are not here.

And you were never here.

Some nights it hurts

Every night it hurts…

– s.f.b